If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
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“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”