My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
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Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
*limbos away from your hug*
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now