MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
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did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Wait a second…
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?