[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
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My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
“no gods no masters” = leo
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Rt to bother an English speaker
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
The police never think its as funny as you do.
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me