Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
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Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
“We will wed,” I threatened
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you