Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
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I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
The fall of Netflix
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
When abroad, James Bond is known as +44 07.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?