Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
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The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.