Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
You Might Also Like
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
This week’s mood.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.