And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
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[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
I can’t be the only one 😂
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?