When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
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Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.