Siri, fight Alexa.
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Finished stitching this today 😇
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.