ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
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This why you should mind your business
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.