the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
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I have obtained a hat
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.