Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
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“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.