them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
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Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I think I’ll stand
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
My dream job is getting paid to dream