Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
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Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
I hope it’s French Onion!
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
it was a valiant fight