I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
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Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.