Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
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Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Writing, She Murdered.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.