Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
You Might Also Like
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Wouldn鈥檛 it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN鈥橳 get all excited at her boyfriend鈥檚 games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they鈥檙e better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Hi, I鈥檓 Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i鈥檓 sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour鈥檚 lot.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
鈿笍馃煣馃煝鈿笍馃煛
馃煝鈿笍鈿笍馃煛鈿笍
馃煛鈿笍馃煣鈿笍馃煝
馃煣鈿笍鈿笍馃煝馃煛
鈿笍馃煝馃煛鈿笍馃煣
馃煛鈿笍馃煣鈿笍鈿笍
鈿笍馃煣鈿笍馃煛馃煝
馃煝鈿笍馃煛馃煣鈿笍
馃煛鈿笍鈿笍馃煝馃煛
馃煣馃煝鈿笍馃煛馃煝not wordle, just some fried rice 鈽猴笍
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Ad exec 1: Ok, we鈥檝e really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn鈥檛 the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it鈥檚 reverse psychology.
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
Her: There鈥檚 a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That鈥檚 a foot. Make it land on the spider.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don鈥檛 take orders from horse-beaters