Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
You Might Also Like
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
My favorite female superhero
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.