Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
You Might Also Like
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
🤣🤣🤣
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.