*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
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A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
President The Rock Obama
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Therapist: “How does this make you feel?”
Me: “Feel?”
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.