Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
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Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Does beer think about me too?
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese