People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
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[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
My favorite farside!!
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.