Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
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*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’