I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
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If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
*pokes sex life with a stick
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
All excellent questions
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?