*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
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guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
*names my little horse OneTrick*
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.