The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
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This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”