Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
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My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?