[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
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*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Me: If something tragic happens it’s a tragedy, so if something magic happens it’s a “magedy”
Websters: Sir, you have to stop calling
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.