*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
You Might Also Like
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
❤️❤️❤️
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.