I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
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*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
When you let grandma cat sit
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law