I put the h in mysterious.
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Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel