Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
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Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
not for long
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them