Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
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I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners