[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
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The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
“Wait, let me explain..”
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.