Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
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Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”