Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
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Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
#CoronaOutbreak
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
2022 be like
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*