My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
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Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
why I oughta
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
[at DMV]
Me: *pushing my way through line* birthday boys first
Guy in line: that’s not a thing!
Clerk: actually it’s on the secret menu
Guy: wha-
Me: oh and uh *winks 3 times*
Clerk: cup or cone
Me: cone pls 🙂
Clerk: *scooping ice cream* here you go sweetie
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
⚠️ Important Reminder:
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.