*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
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My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!