E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
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my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
when revenge coincides with naptime
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
me opening up to someone
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.