“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.