Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
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I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook