when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
You Might Also Like
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
no
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Coffee is ready.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’