Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
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What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I beg your pardon?
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Just had my nails done!
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.