She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
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The answer is funnier than the question
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
“our sushi is very fresh”
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.