*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
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I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
dam girl
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
This is the one
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
At least he brought enough for everyone
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato