Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
You Might Also Like
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“My kids are being jerks.”
“Hey, Christian, you can’t keep calling here.”
“Are you gonna send help?”
“…”
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
when someone rings the doorbell
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad