Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
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Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?