When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
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*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer